My Faith Walk- Part 4

by | Dec 5, 2022 | 0 comments

From the moment that I miscarried in the Spring of 2011, and when I was really really mad at God, I had faith that I would be a mother some day. It just appeared that my wait would take a little longer than 3 years.

Each month that passed, I refused to take birth control as suggested by my doctor to reduce the pain from Endometriosis, because I firmly believed the Lord would miraculously heal me and I would get pregnant naturally.

I didn’t want to do anything to stop what I was certain had to be God’s plan for us. After all, what an incredible testimony it would be that against all odds, I got pregnant naturally.

Every single month when it became obvious that I wasn’t pregnant, I was devastated.

I went through this 2 weeks of being hopeful and prepare for my miracle followed by 2 weeks of being disappointed for another two YEARS. 24 disappointing months.

Countless nights of me crying myself to sleep. Listening to “I Know The Plans I Have For You” on repeat. Countless prayers- begging God to grant me the desire of my heart to be a mother.

In 2013, we decided to make another attempt at IVF. More tests, lots of shots, ultrasounds and doctor visits. This time, I was SURE I had waited long enough… surely God felt that FIVE years of waiting to become a mother was a long enough time.

This was my time. I couldn’t wait to get the positive pregnancy test. I visualized it. I counted down the days until I could get my bloodwork done and then I would be off to the races in baby world.

After getting my blood drawn at the fertility clinic, I eagerly waited cellphone in hand awaiting the nurse’s call.

Sure, my home pregnancy test was negative…but it was too early to tell. The blood test was my sure bet.

The phone rang, and within seconds my heart sank.

I wasn’t pregnant.

24 hours later, I began experiencing excruciating pain, and Rich ended up taking me to the Emergency Room.

As I looked up at my husband from my hospital bed, 5 years , probably one hundred of shots, and two failed IVF attempts later…the Lord placed the word adoption on my heart.

The Lord was calling me to motherhood via a different route.

6 months later we went to an adoption agency for an informational session, and 6 months after that, we officially began our adoption journey.

I was certain that we would be chosen as parents very quickly…even breaking the agency’s record for the fastest placement. I mean, “we’re really great people!” ha ha ha.

Oh man was I wrong.

By February 2015, we hadn’t even been asked to be interviewed by a single expectant mother. Each time we would apply to be considered for a placement, we got the sting of rejection. This happened for seven long months.

At this point we were closing in on SEVEN years of waiting to become parents. SEVEN years of believing that each month was my miracle month where I would get pregnant naturally. I was heartbroken 84 times.

I watched friends have their first, second, third and yes, even fourth child.

I felt barren and broken.

To add insult to injury, we didn’t even have a single expectant mother who was interested in even speaking with us.

The disappointment and discouragement got so intense that one February day, as I was driving home from a court appearance listening to “Oceans”- I just broke down into huge sobs.

I pulled over my car, because I couldn’t see through the tears. I just started shouting at God.

“What did I even DO to deserve this?!? There are women all around the country lining up to terminate their pregnancies and I can’t get pregnant and no one is even interested in me adopting their child?!?”

“Why do you HATE me?” “Take the desire away, God! Take it from me! Quit playing games- and jerking me around– it’s been nearly 7 years! Take away the desire to be a mother if you don’t want me to be a mom! Release me from this pain!”

Not only did my desire to become a mother not fade. It actually grew stronger. At some point, I came across this article– “When God Makes You Wait” and it gave me tremendous hope. I clung to these words:

On the morning of my 36th birthday, I woke up with an uncanny peace. Rich treated me to brunch and I enjoyed a couple of mimosas before heading to the spa for an entire day of relaxation. For the FIRST time in years, infertility and babies weren’t on my mind. I was relaxed and truly at peace. I was happy.

I drove home to meet Rich and get ready for dinner at my favorite restaurant in Boise (Barbacoa) . Rich and I were standing in the living room discussing my wonderful day at the spa, when both our phones beeped at the same time. Rich had a missed call, and I had a missed call and a voice mail from “Baby Hazlett” (that’s how I listed the Adoption Agency in my phone).

They were calling to let us know that we had been selected for an interview with an expectant mother— and we were the only ones she wanted to interview!

I broke down in tears. I received the call of a lifetime On. My. Birthday.

A little over a month after I had nearly given up hope, the Lord showed his grace and love for me– with the greatest birthday gift ever. The gift of a real chance to become a mother.

I won’t go into all of the details, as it’s not my story to share, but what I can tell you is that God’s fingerprints were all over our child’s story.

Down to the fact that my husband woke up one February morning asking me how much a crib costs…and suggesting that we go ahead a buy one (which we did that day!)…only to discover that this was the exact day that our child’s birthmother had decided to make an adoption plan.

We’ve been blessed beyond measure by our daughter, her birthmother and her birthmother’s family. In fact, it was her birthmother that was the FIRST person to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. What a selfless, loving and precious soul she is. Such a gift to us.

So yes, God did make me wait 7 excruciating years. Countless tears. Walking in a long period of darkness. Yet He was faithful.

It was all on His timing, not mine. Had it been on my timing, I would have missed out on having my precious child, and a miraculous story of His faithfulness.

The article that gave me hope, contained so much Truth… I was being told “NO” for now to set our family up for a greater “YES” tomorrow. We now have an even greater testimony to share. That’s what it’s all about isn’t it? Glorifying our magnificent Creator.

I am STILL in awe of this amazing God that loves me SO much and knows me SO well, that He saw fit to bring an end my 7 year wait on. my. birthday.

There are no coincidences.

God is on our side.

I have since shared this season and the lessons learned from it with thousands of women over the years. They have told me how their lives have been touched by it. In hindsight, I see how God was able to take my pain and use it for good….to illuminate the path for others while glorifying Him… and he will do the same for you.

So let’s see…

Successful business- CHECK

Became a Mother- CHECK.

Everything should be good to go now, right?

Not quite.

Just one year later, I found myself at my personal rock bottom… I’ll share that with you in Part 5.

Today’s Reflection

God is on YOUR side. He has a plan for you.

If you’ve been in a season of waiting, take comfort that the Lord is working on your behalf right now. He is FOR you, not against you. There are things happening that you cannot see.

This season of waiting isn’t a punishment…it’s a refinement period. One that will bless you and others beyond your wildest expectations.

James reminds us:

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be prefect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

James 1:2-4 (ESV)

This verse has carried me through a lot…but I think it’s especially relevant in a season of waiting. At the time we may not understand HOW and WHY we should count it all “joy” in something as difficult as an agonizing wait, but in hindsight, I am confident you will see so much goodness coming from it.

God uses all things for good.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”

Romans 8:28 (NIV)

A prayer for you today:

Father God,

Thank you for your ability to turn my greatest pain into something good. Thank you in advance for the glorious plans you have for me. Plans to prosper me, give me hope and a future. Grant me the peace I need today in my wait. Strengthen my faith and help me to have patience as I wait for your divine plans to unfold.

In Jesus’ name, I Pray


Continue to Part 5 HERE

Did you miss the Other Posts in this Series?
Read Part 1
Read Part 2

Read Part 3

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